"Memories of you I will always keep; God saw you were tired, and put you to sleep."

--from "Brother" in The Animation Show: Volume 1

"Life can only be understood backwards--but we always have to live it forwards."

--from "Uncle" in The Animation Show: Volume 1

"change can be so constant, so slow...that you don't know if your life is better or worse--until it is."

and

"I can tell you  I love you as many times as you can stand to hear it--but all that does is remind us that love is never enough...it's not even close."

from the film Life As A House

(Ann)

...so the trusty buddy list tells us when someone has left. it all depends on who's in the middle of that parentheses hug. the name just doesn't kindly disappear, no. It lingers, hanging on long enough for you to see the chance you missed. i find it strangely comforting to just see the name I'm looking for pop up, even if i never do connect. Everytime I glance at the list I see a possibility.

It is somehow pleasing and agonizing to know that he's online too. Maybe he'll say hi. Because I can't--that is I shouldn't. Gotta give the space generously, I have learned the hard way. And the other idea is that he's chatting with a better option out there. I think I hugged inappropriately today. It was in those casual and awful moments after the visit. It was one of those touches that you do without thinking, really. It represents an intimacy that deep down I want and yet logically know that he can't give.

He would say we're friends, but we're not. If I were his friend, I'd have gone to the movie with him this afternoon instead of him just going with some chick from work. And that's another gnawing pain...in these set ups I'm not in the position to convey jealousy. And it shouldn't matter--it doesn't, but it feels like it does. I know he's not for me, yet I wonder daily what it is these other girls have...and what it would be like to be in their place.

Whatever. We shouldn't dwell on what we don't have. But I don't think my name means a possibility--i don't think (Ann) means any lost chance at all.

This particular complaint calls for a weblog entry even though life has been fairly copasetic as of late.

I just haven't gotten it yet--the whole casual intimacy thing. Does this phenomenon include having a friend (and I use that term loosely) you get together with every year or so? And not in multiple groupings. I'm talking just one night that happens to take place in between primary, long-term girlfriends.

With this particular incident, the only thing I requested of him afterwards was this: "please let me know if you're coming this friday to the party. I need to know." Simple enough, hm? Certainly wouldn't take him four days to answer this, yet this has been part of the silence that immediately ensued after what I considered a worthwhile evening. Predictable, too.

Sure, there could be other reasons for silence. Not likely though. Same story. Talk to the girl and feign interest and passion up untill you get what you want. Then after you're sated forget about it until you want something again. No need for the formalities of manners afterwards.

I just asked him to just answer me--not to love me and bear his children. I never said I wanted more than what it was--I'm fine with that. In fact I gave up on that whole depth, sincerity and quality relationship thing years ago. So lighten up. Memo to you, Mr. Boy Rejection # 6: Get over yourself.

Frankly, you're missing out.

A response for a friend on the subject of the "my life is just too hectic/I don't have time for you" excuse:

"Guess what? Everybody is busy. Always. And other busy people manage to
develop relationships, so you're obviously socially retarded."

And another response addressing  the angst ladies experience when men don't call when they say they will:

I hate the fact that this "calling" issue is a persistent, chronic problem with most men. I
think the main thing here is not to turn this back on yourself, which
chicks usually do. There's no anti-penis glue on your forehead. (I
used to think the words FREAK MAGNET were tattooed to mine, but nay.)

Let's just imagine what you deserve here. You deserve a guy that calls when he say he will. Aman that will keep his word because he wants you to value it. A man that
CANNOT WAIT to get another chance to hear your sweet voice on the phone.
He should be eager but not a stalker, and that's entirely possible.

Ask for more, because we're programmed to try to make do, which is crap.
And taking the worst case scenario, perhaps this better guy we've
imagined doesn't exist. In that case, hello Mr. Dildebrator, nice to see
you. Because anyone who won't give you the best of his self is not worth
it...he'll take up so much of your precious time and energy that it'll
diminish all the wonderful ways you contribute to the world through your
work and through your friends. We can't have that--you're too kick ass.
If Prince Charming doesn't show, then let's focus on buying our own
castles and hiring a plethora of pool boys looking to advance their
careers. Solid.